doing what’s best isn’t always easy.

i’m facing a lot of decisions right now. and making the right choice is not easy.  i’m starting to learn that most good things have to be fought for. i’m pulling together all the strength, honestly, love, patience, understanding and determination that i have to face each issue as it comes. i am being challenged everyday. so i’m asking you all, in times of grief, failure, confusion and struggling- how do you get along? what motivates you to keep going? to make good choices?

on a lighter note, it is less than a week until christmas!!! whoop the family already got a Wii from the lovely grandma. and some mystery boxes are making their way under the tree. people are being kinder and yummy treats are in full supply. how are your holidays? are you merry, stressed, both? wondering if anyone has to work christmas…. i work christmas eve, but only for 4 hours. and speaking of work, i better go get ready

whew

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me… or leave me. Accept me – or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don’t fit your idea of who I should be and don’t try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad – you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”

“” Life can be like a roller coaster…
And just when you think you’ve had enough,
and your ready to get off the ride and take the calm, easy merry-go round…
You change your mind, throw you hands in the air
and ride the roller coaster all over again.
That’s exhilaration…that’s living a bit on the edge…that’s being ALIVE.”

both quotes by stacey charter.
today has been a loooonngg day. so many ups and downs i’m feeling a bit manic. but i have faith that this will all come together in the end. thank you all for your kind thoughts and words. i’m feeling greatly supported by my family, friends and even strangers. it is a good feeling. and to thank you…pictures

WHAT I’V BEEN EATING:

Quorn nuggets, ketchup, broccoli, roasted potatoes

cranberry-pumpkin oats

broccoli, rice, kidney beans, with hot sauce.

WHAT I’V BEEN READING:

WHAT I’V BEEN WEARING:

thermals

sweat pants

HOW I’V BEEN FEELING:

MOMENTS I’V BEEN TREASURING:

that’s about the jist of it

back by popular demand

okay, not really. but i do want to extend my deepest thank yous to all those who continued to check in on me and see if i was okay. in fact i’m not really sure why i am back. or if i am back, lol. i guess i have been feeling significantly better the last couple days. but i know it is a long, slow process and i have believed myself better before only to find out out i was still messed up. that is the worst. climbing that mountain, putting in all that work physically and emotionally. only to find yourself at the bottom again. it’s like “did the last week, month, year, even happen?” not sure if i’m making too much sense. my blogging skills seem to be a bit rusty, lol. i guess i’ll stop trying to explain my absence, since i don’t think any words could describe it or make you understand. how about i just touch on some things i have been up to lately and we can catch up. really, there is no point going backwards anyways-right? the last couple weeks i have been avoiding animal products and i have to tell you folks, i feel a lot better. there are so many different aspects to this lifestyle. i am really enjoying learning more about it and talking to others about it. it’s a personal choice and that’s it. i can never see myself pushing others to do it. my family still eats the same (although they have def. been eating more fruit and veggies since there is a sudden surplus in my house *wink*). and i am still fresh to all this so we will just see. not only do i feel better physically(my body seems so much more regulated) but emotionally there has been a great improvement. i feel more at peace, normal, less depressed, i am enjoying my life more, stearing away from toxic aspects in my life, and it’s all happening naturally. just like weight is being lifted from my shoulders. i’m noticing this and taking advantage of it. putting this energy to good use. i know that every positive action i take is going to keep me moving in a good direction. on to less dramatic, but equally amazing things….. last night it officially became christmas time. the man, boy, and me decorated the tree, made dinner, and watched home alone. hung the stockings, put together the train track. i really do love this holiday. today is the little town parade. i will be at work (so bummed) but might catch something on my break. the boys will go. i have just about all my shopping done. how are all of you managing? i’m going to get off now because this is getting sooooo long, guess that’s what happens when you have been away.

take care!

so tired…

tired of pretending. tired of trying. tired of being myself. tired of being someone else. tired of expectations. tired of failure.

just relaxin…

finally got a day off. boy did i need it. i was def. starting to feel tired. yesterday i tried a strength workout out of Shape magazine. there was an article with jennifer love hewiit. it was actually really good. and talked about loving yourself jut how you are. and unless you have been under a rock or just don’t pay attention to trashy mags (lol) you know that she has had some focus on her weight lately. ell, she looked great in the article and shared some of her fav moves. so i was compelled to try them. i was soooo sore today! gotta love it. i still managed to to do my run today. 2 miles. it actually helped a little with the soreness. then i pretty much just lounged around all day doing nothing. hey, i need it. made pancakes with my boy. watched cartoons. napped. played ninja turtles. all that jazz. have collected a few photos to share with you salivating dogs

pumpkin oats with 2 tablespoons!!! cinnamon swirl PB.

self-explanatory. actually pretty tasty.

catfish, cream cheese shrooms, salad.

the high point of today. flax and protein pancake with almond butter, banana, and maple…….drool…….

so there you go, are you hungry yet? so i rented ‘the ugly truth’. anybody seen it? might test it out tonight. or might just continue doing nothing, lol. night!

P.S. (i love you)- some giveaways to check out!!! haven’t done that for awhile.

apple a day always has great giveaways. my favs right now are the vegan dark chocolate giveaway and the blogversary giveaway

confessions of a SAHM has a pretty cool little progresso soup package to hook you up with

gluten-free is life has a super cute betty crocker giveaway!

leslie loves veggies has a bunch on go energy shot, somersault snacks giveaway , jones natural soda, kallari chocolate, and a  sencha naturals giveaway. whew!

and… the healthy everythingtarian is giving away tera’s whey!

 

you know you missed this…

so yesterday i was able to actually force myself to eat somewhat normal. still not a good calorie intake (about 1000) but better than 200. or better than bingeing. and i have started my training back up with the full intentions of running a 10k in april. last time i decided to do this i was talked out of it because i “may not be ready”, “needed to focus on my other issues first”. well damn it all! i just feel like this is something i need to do. i would be happy settling for the 5k part of this race. but i’m going to see how far i have come by april and hopefully do the 10k. this will give me something else to focus on instead of the calories and numbers. and hopefully things will fall into place a little on their own. we’ll see. sooo….. yesterday….

lemon yogurt with flax seeds. green tea.

chicken noodle and broccoli soup. sammie- toasted multi-grain, cream cheese, deli turkey, spinach, tomato, pickle.

grilled peanut butter and banana sammie (total OMG moment!) spinach leaves drizzled with FF italian.

there was also a few marshmallows earlier in the day. and i ended my night with a couple bites of cottage cheese and a square of chocolate.

it is still early today. i have only had tea. i’m getting ready for work. uhhggg…. i haven’t had a day of since last sunday and i don’t get one till wens. i’m starting to feel pretty tired. but the show must go on. today is actually my mans birthday. woot! i don’t know why i still get so excited about birthdays, lol.  oh- and i did see the new baby girl and she is soooooooo beautiful! so i’m gunna jet now, ttyl

bleak

well, not really sure what to say here. not even sure anyone is still around, lol. guess that’s my own damn fault. i always feel sorry for myself when it seem like nobody is there, but in reality i now it’s because i’m shutting myself off to everyone. there’s no one else to blame. but just in case anyone does check in i thought i would write a little blurb. not much has changed. i’m still restricting. the days of healthy and delicious eating seem to be getting further and further away. and as the weather gets bleaker…so does my mood. surprisingly i have still been able to exercise some. which is my saving grace. i’m not pushing myself because i have no energy and still work and have a family, but i find a lot of comfort in the exercise i do manage. my friend just had her baby the other day. this whole time we thought it was a boy… it was a girl!!!! but she is beautiful and healthy, so that is all that matters. i cannot wait to meet her. tomorrow is grocery/bills day, so i will prolly stop by their house a long the way. anyone have big plans for this weekend? honestly, i just want to stay home and rest. clean up a little. pretty lame, i know. i have a couple movies (G.I. Joe and The Taking of Pelham 123) so i’ll prolly wath those. hope you lovlies have a good weekend!

:) :) :0

how’s it going for everyone? hope you had a great halloween weekend. i’ll tell you a lil about mine. i worked all day, then got off, jumped in my costume, took the boy tick or treating, jumped in the car, the family took off  ashland-ore., visited with family, went to a hip-hop show, stayed the night and visited more in the morning, drove home..the long way, crashed out!!! and here ae a few pictures.

fun, fun. i really over did it the last couple days with food and drink. and being in the messed up state i’m in, i found myself in a familiar cycle today. but there was one good thing that happened today i recieved a blogger award. i don’t really feel like i deserve it, but it still means so much to me. i want to say thank you to Butterflies & Hurricanes for awarding it to me. she is one of the more recent additions to my blogroll. but i love here blog! t’s funny and REAL. thanks girl.

Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey
1. Where is your cell phone? here
2. Your hair? annoying
3. Your mother? absent
4. Your father? amazing
5. Your favorite food? baked
6. Your dream last night? failure
7. Your favorite drink? tea
8. Your dream/goal? satisfaction
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? art
11. Your fear? depression
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? here
13. Where were you last night? mobile
14. Something that you aren’t? confident
15. Muffins? yes!!!
16. Wish list item? tattoo
17. Where did you grow up? streets
18. Last thing you did? email
19. What are you wearing? pj’s
20. Your TV? Vizio
21. Your pets? fish
22. Friends? few
23. Your life? complicated
24. Your mood? blah
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? toyota
27. Something you’re not wearing? bra
28. Your favorite store? earthstar
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? forgot
32. Your best friend? resigned
33. One place that I go to over and over? kitchen
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? erika
35. Favorite place to eat? subway

i’m giving this award to…… Glo, Nattie, April, Lindsey, Amandah, teenagedvegan

all these girls are so amazing in their own way. and have helped me come this far. i get great feedback from them. i wish i could give the award omore but that shall do for now!

thrsdy…….

thank you all for your support and kind words. it means so much. and it really takes the pressure off knowing i can come here and say whatever and you guys will still be here. it doesn’t have to be a bout ‘this or that’.  today wa a rough dy for me. work was…stressful. usually in stressful situations i end up bingeing but today i really had no desire to. i’m not sure how happy i should be about this because my intake equaled out to be around 500.  i know this isn’t good but i also am having a hard time remembering why it is bad. haven’t done too much else today other than work and housecleaning. getting   super excited for halloween! we finally got our pumpkins  out last night. i carved them all.

i have a costume, but it’s so cold and the costume isn’t very warm. not sure how that will work out. what are you all doing for hallows eve? well gunna jump off now. not much to say. i just wanted to thank the great people that comment. you’re the best!!!

 

caught in a storm

when i first started practicing yoga there was an exercise i would do during my meditation session. i would lay down or sit in my meditation position and first i would let me body and min go. i would seek out a color. and then i would let the feeling of the color spread throughout me. i would then seek out a vision of my self. once i had that i would seek out my inner animal. the first time i did this i was really surprised. the color i found was a sunshine-like golden yellow. i would then see myself (from behind) in a white flowing dress. my hair was always longer and my body always thinner. but what really surprised me, when i reached out to my animal. it was a lion. i have never considered myself ‘fierce’, ’strong’, or any other word you would use describe a lion. but every time, no fail, these are the things i see in my mind when everything else is silent. i have come to accept my relationship with the lion and hold it’s image dear. i still don’t know what t means though. anyways i’m not sure were this is going except the picture above is a good summary of how i feel. the golden warmth is gone. and my world feels cold, dreary, and grey. i’m beyond being triggered by bad feelings, i am in the storm. and everyday it gets stronger. throwing me this way and that. i never know where i will land. i’m trying to balance my life and keep how i’m feeling inside from breaching out too far. i always worry about my ’struggles’ effecting my loved ones. i’m not sure how it’ll effect my blogging because i hate writing downer posts, but i also hate to lie and pretend. i haven’t been eating much and most of you come for the food porn. i guess we will jut have to wait and see. if you are still there, thanks for reading my piss poor post